
Sample Monologue Jokes - Originally Performed on Absurdity Today
A new lawsuit claims that Taco Bell's beef is only 36% actual beef. Also, their Fiesta Taco Salad is only 12% Fiesta.
Detroit may soon be getting an $80,000 RoboCop statue. It's will likely be built next to their $200,000 museum of bad ideas.
South Sudan has officially split off into its own country and experts are already predicting economic failure. The country may now have to sell of naming rights and risks becoming "Tyler Perry Presents: South Sudan."
A new study shows that the average drug label has 70 side effects. Don't worry though, they've got pills for all of those things.
Congress passed healthcare reform this year. Although the bill does not include universal healthcare or a public option, it does guarantee every American a lollipop after each doctor's visit.
A new PETA neutering contest promises a free vasectomy to the first place winner. The second place finisher merely gets a kick in the groin.
A cab on Canada's version of Cash Cab struck and killed a pedestrian this week instantly triggering a round of HIT-AND-RUN CHALLENGE!!
The head of the New York Taxi drivers union encouraged cabbies to racially profile potential passengers. Apparently he told them, don't pick up anyone who looks like you.
According to reports, George Bush plagiarized entire sections of his new memoir. Apparently critics believe his chapter on the hardest point of his presidency was too similar to the Dr. Seuss classic Sam I Am.
PBS host Tavis Smiley told audiences this week that 2012 will be the most racist election ever. He then added, "especially if some honkey wins."
Former KKK Grand Wizard David Dukes may run for president. Unfortunately all of the current candidates have long stolen all his platforms.
Joblessness among African Americans is up to 16.2 percent. Black people were going to originally blame the man but then bumped into him in the unemployment line.
The FDA has banned sunscreen companies from using the terms "sunblock" and "waterproof." Instead, companies will have to make due with the terms "sticky goo" and "don't get this shit in your eye."
A report shows that regulators knew popular Monsanto pesticide RoundUp caused birth defects when they approved it. Well, yeah, but the muffins Monsanto brought to the hearing were AMAZING!
A new study shows that 84% of parents have fed their child fast food in the past week. The study also revealed that 16% of parents haven't fed their kid in a week.
Spirit airlines has introduced a $5 boarding pass printing fee. Not to be outdone, Continental will now charge you an extra $7 "sitting fee".
Starbucks has been sued for firing a worker because he was a dwarf. Apparently he refused to adhere to the Starbucks policy of referring to them as "Tall."
BP spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. On the bright side, they can write it off on their taxes as a charitable donation to Mexico.
Prince William and his fiancee have begun to prepare for their wedding and the media is going nuts. Fox News plans to spend the whole weekend covering it, MSNBC will send helicopters, and CNN will send in Wolf Blitzer undercover as the a bridesmaid.
Times are tough and so the royal family plans to have a modest wedding. The royal honeymoon is going to be in Hoboken, New Jersey.
The inventor of Super Glue died this week at 94 - after being stuck to the living room wall for 30 years.
Transocean, the company whose oil rig exploded killing 11 workers and spilling a record amount of oil into the Mexican Gulf last year, rated 2010 it's statistically best safety year ever. In related news, Haiti is reporting that 2010 had the fewest natural disasters in the last century. And Japan has received very few noise complaints about their power plants.
Book giant Borders has declared bankruptcy, thus securing another battle in Americans' war on reading.
This Wednesday marked the one year anniversary of the BP gulf oil spill. And everyone knows the one year anniversary is the dead dolphin anniversary.
The White House announced this week that top Afghanistan commander David Petraeus will become head of the CIA and head of the CIA Leon Panetta will become Secretary of Defense. Hey, If everyone keeps moving up a spot, pretty soon Obama can go home.
Italian supercar Pagani is set to become one of the most expensive cars in the United States at $1.1 million. The car tops out 230 miles per hour, has 700 horsepower, and can double as your home while you pay it off.
A poll showed that 48% of Americans support the new TSA pat downs. The other 52% are already in intimate relationships.
A ballot initiative that would have legalized pot failed this Tuesday in California. The news was shocking to marijuana supporters who showed up to vote early Wednesday morning. Well, mid-morning.
SPORTS
The NBA has joined the NFL in locking out its players over a contract dispute. At this pace, the only sport left by 2012 will be soccer - and then we really will be a socialist nation.
Orioles outfielder Luke Scott blasted Obama this week saying his Kenyan and not American. Obama responded by pointing out the Scott is an Oriole and not a major league baseball player.
A new poll shows that God has an approval rating of just 52% percent. The other 48% are still pretty pissed about their sports team not winning a championship.
Michael Vick's NFL comeback was widely accepted by fans around the country. Apparently dog fighting is only bad when you have a passer rating of under 90.
A new lawsuit claims that Taco Bell's beef is only 36% actual beef. Also, their Fiesta Taco Salad is only 12% Fiesta.
Detroit may soon be getting an $80,000 RoboCop statue. It's will likely be built next to their $200,000 museum of bad ideas.
South Sudan has officially split off into its own country and experts are already predicting economic failure. The country may now have to sell of naming rights and risks becoming "Tyler Perry Presents: South Sudan."
A new study shows that the average drug label has 70 side effects. Don't worry though, they've got pills for all of those things.
Congress passed healthcare reform this year. Although the bill does not include universal healthcare or a public option, it does guarantee every American a lollipop after each doctor's visit.
A new PETA neutering contest promises a free vasectomy to the first place winner. The second place finisher merely gets a kick in the groin.
A cab on Canada's version of Cash Cab struck and killed a pedestrian this week instantly triggering a round of HIT-AND-RUN CHALLENGE!!
The head of the New York Taxi drivers union encouraged cabbies to racially profile potential passengers. Apparently he told them, don't pick up anyone who looks like you.
According to reports, George Bush plagiarized entire sections of his new memoir. Apparently critics believe his chapter on the hardest point of his presidency was too similar to the Dr. Seuss classic Sam I Am.
PBS host Tavis Smiley told audiences this week that 2012 will be the most racist election ever. He then added, "especially if some honkey wins."
Former KKK Grand Wizard David Dukes may run for president. Unfortunately all of the current candidates have long stolen all his platforms.
Joblessness among African Americans is up to 16.2 percent. Black people were going to originally blame the man but then bumped into him in the unemployment line.
The FDA has banned sunscreen companies from using the terms "sunblock" and "waterproof." Instead, companies will have to make due with the terms "sticky goo" and "don't get this shit in your eye."
A report shows that regulators knew popular Monsanto pesticide RoundUp caused birth defects when they approved it. Well, yeah, but the muffins Monsanto brought to the hearing were AMAZING!
A new study shows that 84% of parents have fed their child fast food in the past week. The study also revealed that 16% of parents haven't fed their kid in a week.
Spirit airlines has introduced a $5 boarding pass printing fee. Not to be outdone, Continental will now charge you an extra $7 "sitting fee".
Starbucks has been sued for firing a worker because he was a dwarf. Apparently he refused to adhere to the Starbucks policy of referring to them as "Tall."
BP spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. On the bright side, they can write it off on their taxes as a charitable donation to Mexico.
Prince William and his fiancee have begun to prepare for their wedding and the media is going nuts. Fox News plans to spend the whole weekend covering it, MSNBC will send helicopters, and CNN will send in Wolf Blitzer undercover as the a bridesmaid.
Times are tough and so the royal family plans to have a modest wedding. The royal honeymoon is going to be in Hoboken, New Jersey.
The inventor of Super Glue died this week at 94 - after being stuck to the living room wall for 30 years.
Transocean, the company whose oil rig exploded killing 11 workers and spilling a record amount of oil into the Mexican Gulf last year, rated 2010 it's statistically best safety year ever. In related news, Haiti is reporting that 2010 had the fewest natural disasters in the last century. And Japan has received very few noise complaints about their power plants.
Book giant Borders has declared bankruptcy, thus securing another battle in Americans' war on reading.
This Wednesday marked the one year anniversary of the BP gulf oil spill. And everyone knows the one year anniversary is the dead dolphin anniversary.
The White House announced this week that top Afghanistan commander David Petraeus will become head of the CIA and head of the CIA Leon Panetta will become Secretary of Defense. Hey, If everyone keeps moving up a spot, pretty soon Obama can go home.
Italian supercar Pagani is set to become one of the most expensive cars in the United States at $1.1 million. The car tops out 230 miles per hour, has 700 horsepower, and can double as your home while you pay it off.
A poll showed that 48% of Americans support the new TSA pat downs. The other 52% are already in intimate relationships.
A ballot initiative that would have legalized pot failed this Tuesday in California. The news was shocking to marijuana supporters who showed up to vote early Wednesday morning. Well, mid-morning.
SPORTS
The NBA has joined the NFL in locking out its players over a contract dispute. At this pace, the only sport left by 2012 will be soccer - and then we really will be a socialist nation.
Orioles outfielder Luke Scott blasted Obama this week saying his Kenyan and not American. Obama responded by pointing out the Scott is an Oriole and not a major league baseball player.
A new poll shows that God has an approval rating of just 52% percent. The other 48% are still pretty pissed about their sports team not winning a championship.
Michael Vick's NFL comeback was widely accepted by fans around the country. Apparently dog fighting is only bad when you have a passer rating of under 90.